Paul C Brunson: These are red flags to watch out for on dates

Relationship expert and co-host of Channel 4’s Married at First Sight, Paul C Brunson explains that when it comes to relationships, the initial dating stage is important because it’s the first time you’re experiencing someone.

“I do actually think we put too much weight into that first interaction, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not important – because it is,” the 51-year-old says.

“I think we have to keep in mind that whenever we meet someone, it’s like what [actor and comedian] Chris Rock says, you’re just meeting their representative, you’re not really meeting them.”

He says it’s important to “not just look but also listen” to what’s happening.

“I emphasise listening because I do think it’s one of the most undervalued skills on a first date or in a relationship.

“Hearing is just like words coming out but listening means you actually understand, discern and think about what’s happening. Then you’re able to respond, opposed to reacting to it,” Brunson adds.

What are red flags to look out for in dating?

US-born, London-based Brunson who also  hosts the podcast, We Need to Talk, says although there are a millions of red flags that could be picked apart, the number one is the least talked about.

You should ask yourself if you feel safe and secure with the person.

“Checking in with yourself is important,” he says. “Ask yourself if you feel calm and relaxed with them, or if you feel unsettled and not regulated. That is by far the number one red flag.

“I’m not just talking about physically safe but also emotionally safe.”

Another one is boundaries. “If your date is pushing to cross your boundaries immediately that is a red flag. A lot of people will go on a first date and say they have to be up early the next morning and they have a time they want to sleep by but their date will try push it back by an hour.

“The moment you see someone pushing across boundaries that you’ve outlined, they are then a bully. If they are demonstrating that on day one, then you know for sure, day 10 is going to look a lot worse than that,” Brunson adds.

“A third is someone who presents incredibly negative,” he says. “There’s no joy to them. The world is burning and everybody sucks in their eyes. We live in incredibly challenging times so we want to be around people who are lights and light us up.”

What are ways to maintain a healthy relationships?

Brunson, who married his wife Jill in 2000 and has two sons, Liam and Kingston, explains that open communication is the number one way to maintain a relationship and dating life.

“I have a really good friend who’s a top psychologist and she told me a while ago something super profound,” he says.

“She said, we all have a public life, a private life and a secret life. Typically when we’re dating, we’re getting a chance to know someone to see if we want to commit to them. But often times both parties don’t unveil their private life and very rarely in dating do you reveal your secret life.

“However, if you want to stay fully connected to someone, then it’s important to check in,” he adds.

“When it comes to the relationship progressing, a lot of people use milestones like the amount of time they have had together, or meeting parents or friends. The real milestone, for me, is asking do you feel like you are fully unpacking who you are and getting to the core of who you are? And then does that partner, who sees the core of who you are and all of the ugly stuff, still stay and you still feel safe with them – that’s how you know your relationship is progressing.

“You should be doing that from day two – you unpacking you and they should be unpacking themselves.”

How can you be a good partner when it comes to listening?

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As real connection starts with listening, Brunson has teamed up with Specsavers to highlight new research that shows hearing issues are quietly causing tension in relationships. Its survey of 2,000 couples revealed that over half feel frustrated about this issue, with more than a quarter admitting it leads to resentment.

Brunson says that not being able to properly hear one another can erode emotional and physical closeness, so as part of the campaign, he went and got his hearing checked. “It’s interesting because I’m still within my zone for what is healthy for me but I can see when I was talking to the doctor, where my hearing will begin to taper off,” he says.

“Even in the interactions that I have with my wife currently, sometimes I do need her to repeat something and if I didn’t feel comfortable or safe, I would never ask her to repeat herself.

“One of the most enlightening pieces of this campaign for me is being able to say, ‘Can you repeat what you said?’ It’s that willingness for us to be vulnerable and then ultimately what we find is that our partner welcomes that or they are thankful for you asking them to repeat it.”

To book in for a free hearing check and find out more information about the campaign, visit: Specsavers.