OPINION: In my late mother's time it was unmanly to mistreat or show disrespect to a woman
THESE have been utterly exceptional days which, hopefully, will mark a watershed moment in how we Irishmen, and men of other nationalities living here, undertake a cultural shift in forcefully addressing the unacceptable attitudes of some of our gender towards women. In all the decades of my life I cannot remember such a spontaneous outpouring of grief and 'never again' determination as has swept Ireland since Ashling Murphy lost her life.
It is not exaggeration to wonder whether it was a case over recent days that wherever two or three Irish people were gathered anywhere around this world that a vigil was hosted in Ashling’s memory. It, seemingly, included every town and village across this state, including in my home town Ballaghaderreen, where all local organisations got together to host vigil in memory of Ashling on the town Square.
Led by Catholic Bishop of Achonry Paul Dempsey, it was muted, solemn, and heartfelt as the crowd held candles and the St Nathy’s Folk Group of young women played traditional tunes on their fiddles and flageolets in the damp, gloomy, January air.
Just across the road was our pub, now no longer open, where my late mother was frequently behind the bar counter and where, as I remember from my younger days, how no man outside that counter would use a profanity, tell a 'dirty' joke, or make any sexual remark in her presence or how, when a row might break out, all she had to do was go outside the counter and they’d stop in case she’d be hit accidentally. Because for a man to hit a woman was regarded as the lowest of the low. By other men.
The respect shown my mother by men drinking in the bar was policed by the other men in their presence. Because any man who showed disrespect towards any woman was looked down upon by the other men as 'a blackguard'. To mistreat or show disrespect to a woman was unmanly where they were concerned.
It is not so long ago that this was the case. And while much about that Ireland was not ideal, not least when it came to the treatment of unmarried mothers or what may have been going on in homes behind closed door, in the main men were respectful of women and other men saw to it that it was the case. We have to get back to that.
Men’s mistreatment of women is men’s problem and only men can really do anything about it. And the nationality of the person who killed Ashling does not matter. It does not take away from the fact that Irishwomen are so frequently afraid to be out on their own day or night anywhere on this island. Every Irishman should be embarrassed by that. It is neither right nor can it be countenanced.
What we are talking about here are our wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, nieces, grandmothers. It is about making Ireland a safe place for them. If any good is to come of Ashling’s death and the shocking life-long bereavement imposed on the Murphy family, it should be that her killing gives a sharp impetus to us men to make life safer for our women.
Yes, tougher laws must be introduced for rape, all assaults against women - particularly in the home - and for what heretofore may have been described as minor intimidation such as the boys on the corner wolf-whistling and making comments about women as they pass by. That may seem like harmless fun to other men but very, very few women see it that way.
But laws are not enough. What we are talking about here is a necessary and major cultural shift in men’s attitudes to men who intimidate/harass women, to men who make women feel uncomfortable for their own sport. Men must not join in the laughing and sniggering of the hard man who boasts to or about women and what he would do or has (allegedly) done with them. Rather, men must let it be known, in no uncertain fashion, that such behaviour is unmanly. It is not masculine.
And this must begin with boys in senior classes at primary school but be emphasised particularly to teenage boys at secondary school where it cannot any longer be acceptable that 'boys will be boys' when it comes to girls. This must become a part of the socialisation of young men as they mature. The 'boys', of whatever age, must be brought back to an old-fashioned but superior view that women are to be respected not whistled at or confronted with shouts of unwanted sexual innuendo.
Some may suggest that the deterioration in men’s treatment of women over recent generations is due to the women’s movement and that it’s a side effect of demands for equality. Regardless of that pretty spurious and unacceptable excuse, respect/chivalry towards women never went out of fashion even if it is less common today.
Others will say (sotto voce) that the sort of cultural change required of men towards women is impossible. Not so. They said the same about banning smoking in pubs and restaurants, and about – effectively – banning drink driving. They said the Irish people would never put up with either.
They were wrong and the people who used say both bans were impossible in Ireland now cheer their benefits in far less deaths on the roads and healthier pub and restaurant environments for everyone. It can be done. Where there’s a will. The exceptional behaviour of the Irish people during the pandemic, and not least where pubs and restaurants are concerned, proves what some claim is impossible can in fact happen here.
The will by men to change the unacceptable behaviour of a minority of our gender towards women is certainly there now and that must be taken advantage of to ensure that what must be done, is done.
It is 'fortunate' that the current Minister for Justice is a woman who herself has experienced intimidation by men while being out and about. Neither 'fortunate' or pleasant for Helen McEntee but she, literally, knows what she is talking and has the motivation now to change things as a result.
She has said a “zero-tolerance” approach will be central to a new Government strategy tackling gender-based violence. Intended to deal with domestic, sexual and gender-based violence, details will be published by the beginning of March.
Speaking in a radio interview she said: “I think what we’ve seen this week really is an outpouring of grief right across the country from women, men, children, all of whom have come together in solidarity with Ashling’s family and her community.
“But in particular, they have come together to demand that there is zero tolerance for this. I myself have often decided, ‘well, I’ll go out for a walk at this time of the day or I’ll go to this area because it could be safer’. That shouldn’t be the case.”
No, it should not. It is utterly wrong and unacceptable that any women would be made feel that way in this country.
Commenting on all the vigils across Ireland in recent days, and wherever two or three Irish were gathered across the globe, she said “what we’ve seen now is everybody in society coming together to say this should not be the case. We should not tolerate this.” All Government departments, State agencies and the gardaí, as well as the wider community, needed to play a role in ensuring the strategy is a success, she said. Yes, and every man in Ireland.