POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY: How self-compassion can improve your life

OVER the past few years we have both become increasingly interested in the topic of self-compassion.

As we have read more and learned more ourselves, we have in turn introduced our clients to self-compassion and mindful self-compassion (a blend of the skills of mindfulness and self-compassion).

In our last column, we talked about the demands on students at exam time, the pressure they face to do well and to compete for college places in the case of those sitting the Leaving Cert. We felt it timely to revisit the importance of self-compassion when in today’s world so much of young people’s self-worth and self-esteem can be contingent upon exam performance and the points race.

What is Self-Compassion?

So what is self-compassion and how can it help us? While exact definitions may differ amongst the experts, the core concepts are the same. Kristin Neff, a psychologist and associate professor in the University of Texas, has studied self-compassion all her academic life.

She defines self-compassion as having three elements – kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. We need to learn to turn toward our suffering with mindful awareness, we need to cultivate kindness in ourselves to help us deal with this suffering, and we need to learn to accept that all human beings suffer and are often flawed and less than perfect, the idea of being part of a collective and a common humanity.

Paul Gilbert’s definition is a two-pronged one: the first part is about feeling empathy and sympathy towards ourselves in your suffering; the second is proactive, it is concerned with how we can manage the distress and alleviate that suffering.

The Importance of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is not just something we allow ourselves when we are doing well in life. It is not a reward for doing well and achieving; rather the research base is demonstrating that self-compassion is necessary for emotional well-being.

When we are more self-compassionate we manage stress better, we are less prone to anxiety and to depression, we become more self-confident, we are happier and more optimistic and our immune system functions better.

Self-Compassion vs Self-Esteem

Neff compares and contrasts self-compassion with self-esteem. In Western cultures in particular, having high self-esteem is often a valued goal in schools, educational facilities and workplaces.

However, the drawback with self-esteem according to Neff, is that it is based on judgements and evaluations and it also means that if our self-esteem is high we are doing better than others and are in some way more 'special'. However, we cannot all be doing better than everyone else and we cannot all be special.

Neff says that self-compassion is a way of relating to ourselves with acceptance, however we are doing (good or bad). When we fail an exam, are passed over for a promotion, lose a job or a relationship, this is when our self-esteem can plummet; however, if we learn to turn towards

disappointment and suffering with self-compassion – showing ourselves kindness, support and love - then we are much better equipped to deal with these types of stressors. And of course, ultimately this is so much better for our emotional wellbeing.

Neff says that compassion is relevant even for those whose suffering stems from their own failures, personal weakness or bad decisions (let’s face it, that’s most of us!).

The Benefits of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is good for us physically as well as emotionally. It can act as a sort of antidote to self-criticism. When we criticize ourselves, we are both “the attacker and the attacked”. Self-criticism can stimulate activity of the sympathetic nervous system, the stress response, just the same as physical stress can.

This results in a cascade of adrenaline and other stress hormones such as cortisol, which over time can impact our physical and mental well-being. When we are self-compassionate on the other hand, we relate to ourselves like a best friend, a nurturer or carer; we talk to ourselves in a calming soothing manner, we encourage ourselves and acknowledge our suffering, much like a caring parent will for a distressed child.

When we practise self-compassion we produce oxytocin, often called the hugging hormone, and this helps diminish the fear and anxiety and regulate our blood pressure.

How can we practise Self-Compassion?

So how can we cultivate self-compassion? Neff and her colleague Christopher Germer have co-founded the Center for Self-Compassion in the USA and are pioneers in the field.

Closer to home, Paul Gilbert, another psychologist who worked for many years in the NHS in Britain, has also pioneered self-compassion and developed a therapeutic intervention called Compassion Focussed Therapy which has particularly good results with people who are highly self-critical and shaming. We have had the good fortune to be able to attend training with both Germer and Gilbert.

What each of these experts have in common is that self-compassion can be cultivated even if we have struggled with self-criticism for as long as we can remember. We can calm the nervous system in simple ways: by pausing and breathing slowly and deeply (compassionate breathing); we can give ourselves a hug to release oxytocin (try it!), we can learn to become mindfully aware of sensations in our bodies, our feelings and our thoughts by simply checking in with ourselves regularly during the day.

If we notice tension or ruminative thinking we can learn to mindfully redirect our attention to what is actually going on around us as opposed to the chattering monkey mind.

We can also cultivate formal meditation. Indeed, Germer credits the Loving Kindness meditation, an ancient meditation which is thought to have originated in India, as helping him recover from social anxiety.

Experts have described the Loving Kindness meditation as a powerful tool to help you experience compassion and forgiveness for yourself and for other people, those you know and even those you don’t .

Gilbert talks about the importance of visual imagery for regulating our nervous system. Take the example of a horror movie. Most of us will admit that we experience nervous system activation when watching a horror film; we may notice that our breathing changes, our heart beats faster, we may even sweat or need to run to the bathroom.

All this, despite the fact that we know logically that this is only a movie, that it is not real. This is our fight/flight system kicking in as the body and the mind do not know the difference between real and imagined stress.

However, when we can experiment with positive, calming, soothing visual imagery, for example, visualizing a place where we have felt secure and safe in the past, this can have quite the opposite effect on the nervous system.

We can become more self-compassionate in our behaviour. If you are a student, this can be simple, for example taking a self-compassionate break from study when it is needed, making time to go for a run or have a bath or an early night.

On the other hand, sometimes self-compassion can mean hitting the books and being well-prepared in advance so that by exam time you are in the functional, adaptive stress zone.

The benefits of self-compassion for emotional well-being are limitless. We have only given an overview of the science and practice in today’s article. If you take away one learning, we would suggest that you see self-compassion as a necessity for emotional and even physical well-being.

For students, remember to be compassionate towards yourselves during the exams. This is a demanding and often tough time and you will do better if you encourage yourself, act as your own cheerleader even, talk kindly to yourselves and practise good self-care.

For those of you who enjoyed this article and would like to experience and learn more about the benefits of self-compassion, Julie O'Flaherty and Imelda Ferguson will be running a half-day course on June 13 at the Central Hotel, Tullamore entitled Mindful Compassion for Wellbeing.

Topics will include -

* What is mindful self-compassion and how is it helpful for emotional wellbeing?

* What happens in our bodies and minds when we are self-critical and self-compassionate?

* Paul Gilbert’s model of emotional regulation

* Managing difficult emotions and everyday struggles such as anxiety and low confidence using mindful self-compassion

* Experiential exercises and meditations

Julie O'Flaherty and Imelda Ferguson recently returned to hosting positive psychology courses with a half-day course in Tullamore which was well attended and praised by the participants.

The Mindful Compassion for Wellbeing course will take place on Monday, June 13 from 10am to 1pm in the Central Hotel, Main Street, Tullamore (opposite Lidl).

The course facilitators, Julie O’Flaherty and Imelda Ferguson (who write the fortnightly Positive Psychology column on this page) are both chartered clinical psychologists with extensive experience in the adult mental health field.

The course cost is €90 and that fee includes course materials, tea/coffee and hotel parking. For further information or to book a place contact Imelda on 087 2271630 or Julie 087 2399328 or send a private message on their Facebook page, Mind Your Self Midlands.

Julie O’Flaherty and Imelda Ferguson are chartered clinical psychologists, both based in private practice in Tullamore. Through Mind Your Self Midlands, they run courses on Positive Psychology and Mindfulness through the year. They can be contacted through the Psychological Society of Ireland www.psychologicalsociety.ie (Find a Psychologist section) or on their Facebook page, Mind Your Self Midlands.