‘There are societal pressures on women to just keep going’ – Lorraine Pascale on having therapy in her 50s

Although she has always felt confident in speaking out about her feelings, chef and former model Lorraine Pascale says that many women over 50 often feel they need to stay quiet and ‘hold it together’, even when struggling.

“I do feel there is that kind of cultural societal pressure to just keep going and to not seem ‘weak’,” the 53-year-old says. “However, there’s a great strength in reaching out to someone for help.

“I was always confused when I was younger with the notion that people didn’t speak out and go to therapy,” she says. “It’s now really important to me to use what I believe and hold dear to encourage others to do the same. ”

When it comes to her own wellbeing journey, London-born Pascale, who has written cookbooks including How To Be A Better Cook and Home Cooking Made Easy, says she spent a lot of her childhood in the foster care system, and was provided with a social worker. “That was my first foray into therapy,” she explains.

After growing up in and out of care, Pascale says early on she believed the reason she was given away at birth was because she “was not good enough”. She suggests this then led to a “pattern of over-delivering and striving to prove my worth” which then “became the way I lived”.

Since the age of 18, Pascale says: “I’ve been in and out of therapy and it’s amazing.” She suggests that in midlife, therapy is beginning to help her with previous patterns, bringing more balance and self-approval into her life.

Pascale recently became an ambassador for the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) as it launched its No More Stiff Upper Lip campaign, encouraging women to seek support and access therapy in midlife. BACP has also released a limited-edition lipstick collection, with names including Heard and Resilient, to highlight how therapy can make them feel.

Pascale, who shares actor daughter Ella Balinska with ex-husband Kaz Balinski-Jundzill, says that therapy has changed her life. “It has done so both before and after I went into my 50s,” she explains. “It’s really helped shape me into the person I am today. ”

Pascale, who married Dennis O’Brien in 2021, says she was particularly keen to get involved in this campaign. “When you get to being over 50, there’s so much focus on hormones and stuff like that. But there’s so much more than that to juggle,” she says.

“For example, relationship changes, work situations where your career isn’t suiting you anymore or you’re not sure what you want to do, looking after children and ageing parents. There’s just so much to handle and to look at as you become older.”

“There is also the consolidation of the past and traumas of the past,” Pascale adds. “When you’ve got all of these things happening and weighing on you at once, it can be the whole stiff upper lip mindset that is trying to keep it all together.  I think lots of women over 50 feel they almost have to stay quiet, even if they’re struggling.”

According to BACP, nearly two-thirds (64%) of women over 50 say they’ve struggled with their mental wellbeing since reaching this age milestone and almost nine in ten (87%) of them admit to hiding it – which it warns is an ‘epidemic of silence’.

It also found that nearly half (46%) avoided seeking support because they don’t want to burden others, while 24% say there is a generational tendency to keep a ‘stiff upper lip’ on mental wellbeing struggles.

Pascale thinks that we are now a more isolated society. “We’re all in these societies now where it’s not like the big families that used to be where you could speak to lots and lots of people,” she says. “It’s much more lonely these days, so it’s really important to speak out if you can.”

She says that it has helped her with a range of other things too, including general life changes. “It’s helped me have a stronger sense of self, stronger sense of knowing who I am, better at having boundaries, better understanding of my past and dealing with difficult people. I’m now more confident to tackle challenges and as someone now over 50, I’m a lot more confident and empowered in tackling life’s challenges.”

“Going to therapy, however, is a personal choice,” Pascale explains.

“Some people speak to friends or family but there’s no shame in reaching out and speaking to a professional and getting the help you need. Sometimes it can feel like a burden to talk to friends and family.

“For me, therapy is one of the best things you can do for yourself. I do understand the apprehension, but there are so many challenges all the time in life.  But you don’t have to push on – help is available.”

Pascale suggests she takes care of herself more nowadays. “I am a lot more focused on my wellbeing. I am also much more purposeful and intentional about it too,” she says.

“I have also found that I’m now less likely to jump onto fads and more likely to do what feels best for me personally.”

“Other things that help me is my SAD (seasonal affective disorder) lamp that I look at every morning. There’s not much light out at the minute so it gives you that light you may be missing. I also get to the gym, walk my dog and eat lots of fresh fruit and vegetables, along with drinking lots of orange juice and water.”

Pascale says she would tell her younger self to stop worrying about what other people think so much: “I would also tell her to say things with her chest and do things with her chest.”

Find out more about  BACP’s No More Stiff Upper Lip campaign and find a therapist by visiting the BACP website.