9 of the best ways to support a child with ADHD

As wife of the comedy actor Paul Whitehouse, early years specialist Dr Mine Conkbayir is used to seeing the humour in even the most difficult of circumstances.

And that’s why when she was diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) two years ago, she decided to start a podcast with her husband about the neurotype called ‘I’m ADHD! No You’re Not’, in which they interview well-known people with ADHD, ranging from Sir Stephen Fry to Katie Price, to show the reality of ADHD through humour and honest conversations.

Explaining why her 67-year-old husband co-hosts the ADHD podcast, Conkbayir, 45, says: “Simply because we often get into cheeky banter and debates, where I’ll say I’m ADHD, and he’ll say no you’re not. And that’s literally where the title came from.”

Despite being married, the couple, who have a 13-year-old daughter, live in separate houses because of Conkbayir’s sensory needs (she prefers light and noise, her husband prefers quiet).

“Good for him, let him have his own space – I’m sure it’s the only thing that keeps him sane,” she says with a laugh.

But although they live separately, Whitehouse’s help with his wife’s ADHD is invaluable to her, and she says: “His viewpoint as a cynic comes in really handy, because it’s a good catalyst for actually unpacking ADHD wider. We have great discussions as a result of him mucking about and undermining the very notion of ADHD.”

She admits ADHD can be a “tough journey”, but stresses: “It’s having honest discussions about it. And what’s also important is having a laugh about it.”

Now, to mark October’s ADHD Awareness Month and the launch of the podcast’s fourth season on October 2 – after a series of live theatre shows in September – Conkbayir, who has more than 25 years experience working with children and young people, is shining a light on the best ways to support children who have ADHD.

Here’s her tips…

1. Learn about ADHD

Conkbayir says it’s important for parents to find out as much as they can about the neurotype. “I’m not going to say disorder. It’s a neurotype,” she insists.

“Learn about this difference, and don’t think it’s something to be fearful or ashamed of. Embrace the positives it brings.

“But it’s up to us, as parents, adults, teachers, to harness the positive traits. I’m not using the word ‘symptoms’ such as hyperactivity or risk-taking, because these can be real assets. When you look at entrepreneurs and those that are really successful, they’re often neurodivergent, so learn about it.”

2. If you suspect ADHD, seek a diagnosis

Several of the older guests Conkbayir and Whitehouse have interviewed on the podcast haven’t been formally diagnosed with ADHD, and Conkbayir says they often insist they’re not bothered about getting a diagnosis “because they’ve become so successful, it’s not really been a hindrance”.

However, that’s not the case for children. “For children in this current climate, under this awful education system, I think it’s very important to get that diagnosis, to know what you’re working with, and to help parents understand why their child is behaving how they are, and why they’re feeling the way they often do.”

She explains that at its core, ADHD is about dysregulation, so those who have it can’t regulate their thoughts and emotions, and if they get upset they “don’t have a good handle on that”, and they can be quick to anger and sensitivity.

“We need to honour that and know they’re not just ‘playing up’, there’s a cause, and we need to understand it and support them as best we can,” she says.

3. Keep an open mind

If a child is old enough to understand, Conkbayir advises parents to talk to them about what ADHD is and how they might be feeling.

“Elicit how they feel,” she says. “Remember, nothing has gone wrong with the brain in ADHD, which is why I refer to it as a neurotype. It’s a difference in that person’s brain, but it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with it.”

4. Help identify their triggers

Conkbayir says identifying a child’s ADHD triggers is important. “Know what your child’s triggers are – it might be bright lights, being sat down too long, working too long on a tedious task, crowds, loud noises. Find all this out, and then you can share it with their teachers,” she says.

“It’s invaluable to spend time observing your child, and speaking with them about what makes them feel better and what triggers their ADHD, because there are so many triggers, particularly at school, and if we can minimise these, then it will be less problematic for the child and the parent.”

5. Avoid consequences and punishments

Conkbayir points out that much of the literature on dealing with ADHD in children advises parents to set clear boundaries, with consequences and punishments for transgressions.

“The necessity for clear boundaries is so children understand what’s demanded of them in small, bite-sized chunks and steps,” she says.

“But these are children whose brains are growing differently, and I wholeheartedly disagree with giving a consequence and a punishment at the end of it. If they don’t understand what to do, that’s just wrong on our part.”

6. Find out why

Rather than asking children what they’ve done, parents should ask them why they did it, stresses Conkbayir.

“Our time and efforts are far better invested in finding out the why, not what have you done? And how can we do this differently next time?

“It’s about understanding what gives rise to the behaviour – are they bored or frustrated? Get to the root of it, and problem solve together.”

She says looking at alternative ways to respond together will “fill up their toolkit with what to do the next time something happens”, which might be something as simple as taking out a fidget toy, or getting a pass out of the classroom for a few minutes,

“So it’s about equipping them and not punishing them when things don’t go quite right.”

7. Show them respect

Using phrases like ‘Because I said so’, indicates a power struggle with children, explains Conkbayir, who says when they’re wrong and/or have upset their child, parents shouldn’t be afraid to say sorry.

“The way the child’s body language immediately changes and relaxes, it’s like ‘Oh my goodness, I’ve been afforded some respect’,” observes Conkbayir.

“We need to treat our children and young people with far greater respect in general.”

8. Help find their ‘release’

Rather than thinking ‘there’s a bit of hyperactivity, I’ve got to crush it’, Conkbayir says parents should instead find a release for it.

“Find what helps them lean into it positively,” she advises. “Sports is a brilliant one for ADHD, gaming is wonderful for emotional regulation and hyper-focus. There’s loads that can be done to harness it.”

9. Help them manage risks

Conkbayir says ADHD children are more likely to take risks, but rather than automatically saying ‘don’t do that’, parents should try to help manage the risks, for example by going through a risky situation with them step-by-step and discussing potential dangers. “It’s being that critical friend, and helping them to manage risks,” she explains.