Colourful wellies are a no no if you are trying to blend in
The National Ploughing Championships is a three day celebration of country life that will attract close to 300,000 to Screggan just outside Tullamore this week.
However it is possible for townies to blend in with the rural crowd if they take the following advice.
1 - If you are travelling to the National Ploughing Championships in a jeep or an SUV, make sure it's not clean. Ideally you should stick some straw in the wheel wells and drive through a field before you get there.
2 - Do not wear colourful wellies. Keep them for the Electric Picnic. Ideally all wellies should be black but you can get away with dark green. CATs will work also.
3 - Denim is always a good choice but wear a cheque shirt and you will blend in perfectly.
4 - If you overhear someone talking about New Holland, don't ask them how their holidays went.
5 - If a salesman tries to convince you to buy a tractor fold your arms and nod knowingly. When he finishes speaking and is waiting for your response, if the tractor is red say, "I think I'll stick with the Ford." If the tractor is blue say, "I think I'll stick with the Massey." If the tractor is any other colour, either response will do.
6 - If you get stuck talking to a rural type you don't know, the weather is always a good fall back or if you feel really adventurous go with, "the evenings are bet."
7 - If you see lads and ladies pulling metal things behind a tractor who look like they are digging up a field for no reason, you've strayed into the actual ploughing. If anyone asks your opinion, simply reply, "that's fair straight."
8 - If you see a line of farmers outside a tent, get into it quickly. Farmers can spot a freebie from a different county.
9 - If you see a tall lad with a stick in his hand and possibly a maroon jersey and you are wondering why people are taking endless selfies with him, that's probably Joe Canning. He's from the west and plays the GAA.
10 - If it starts to rain do not under any circumstances put up an umbrella. That's a sign of weakness. Just put up your collar, put your hands in your pockets and say to anyone you pass with a nod of the head, "soft day."