Offaly based Counsellor and Psychotherapist advises on how to manage Valentine's Day when you are vulnerable

VALENTINE'S Day can be a very emotionally challenging time for many among us and can put our resilience to the test.

February – especially the 14th - is historically a month associated with romance and relationships. Valentine's Day is for many a time for candle-lit meals in restaurants and romantic getaways to hotels and European city breaks , of course lots will mark the event with a home celebration. 

Many people find the traditional Valentine's day to be challenging. Huge expectations are surrounding the day, and – sadly – a great deal of competition can put a strain on friendships and relationships. Social media and its photos of red roses and lavish gifts from the significant others of friends and influencers drive rivalries and envy. Many feel they must buy the biggest and best presents to maintain the romance in their relationships. Nevertheless, spending money they can't afford on frivolous items can cause arguments over finances and deepen rifts in many relationships. Sadly, many use Valentine's as a day for grand gestures to compensate for their negligence or ill-behaviour over the preceding months , of course many people may find it difficult or impossible to even consider being romantic on Valentine's Day. 

Remember, our relationships are essential all the year round.

Always remember , 'love is not just for Valentine's Day'. It's worth considering additional ways to protect and nurture our relationships. Some of the ways you can do this.

1. Connect: Find ways to put time aside to connect with your loved ones. Hearing a friendly, familiar voice, writing a letter, or reading a message from people we care about, helps us feel more connected. This is important for our mental health, especially for people living alone, feeling lonely, isolated, and afraid.

2. Go Device Free: Technology can be great to connect but can also have an adverse effect and drive a wedge between many couples. We can spend so much time consumed with the gadgets that we can ignore our loved ones. Take some time to go device-free, this can be difficult but maybe start with dinner and take it up to where you can try a whole evening device free.

3. Try Something New: There are fewer things that inspire confidence like expanding your limits and pushing the boundaries , some you can do even without leaving the house. You can take an online yoga or dance class and learning a new skill together is an excellent means to bond.

4. Be present: This means really paying attention to the other people in your life and trying not to be distracted by your phone or your work or other interests. Cut each other some slack – work on letting the small things slide. Accepting each other for who you are instead of criticising each other goes a long way toward dissipating negative emotional energy.

5. Have fun together: Turn up the radio and draw your partner near. Develop an obstacle course with toys and games from your garage. Try a new recipe and involve each other in the preparation. Be innovative and think of things that make you laugh.

6. Be Kind: Start by showing ourselves and others understanding, empathy, kindness and love. Give yourself and others grace when things don't go as hoped. Acknowledge the positive actions of others. Rather than focus on what partners do that annoy us look instead at all the beautiful things they do to spread joy and make you a stronger team. 

7. Communication is Crucial: Put time aside to communicate with kindness. Listen without interrupting, then ask questions to understand. Understand that loneliness, boredom, fear, anxiety, stress, and panic are normal reactions to a stressful situation . Conflict is expected from time to time. Don't blame and remember when you are pointing one finger; three fingers are pointing back at you. Always ask what my contribution to this conflict is, and what can I do to fix it?" Wait at least 30 minutes or longer until the heated emotions have calmed down. 

Please remember that if you are feeling down, please open up to your loved one. If your significant other opens up to you about their feelings, be sure to listen without providing advice and avoid becoming defensive or judging them. 

If you are dealing with something that needs a professional, one of the things you can do log on to iacp.ie where you can find trained and accredited therapists based nationwide.

Séamus Sheedy is an accredited Counsellor and Psychotherapist and Past Chair of The Irish Association of Counselling Psychotherapy (IACP). He is the Clinical Director of Midlands Mental Health with offices in Tullamore and Mullingar and has been working full time in the area for over 25 years.