November is a month to remember loved ones who have passed away says Offaly columnist

NOVEMBER is a month for remembering where we have special prayers for loved ones, remembrance services and blessing of graves. This Friday, November 1st and Saturday, November 2nd we celebrate the feast of All Saints and the feast of All Souls.

We’ll pause together and honour our beloved saints and ancestors and our. dear loved ones gone before us and all the wise and well ones who have passed through the veil. Through prayer, Mass, eucharist, ritual, song, teaching, meditation, and sharing we will weave a container together to hold our prayers and longings, and receive the gifts the saints, ancestors and our dear loved ones have to offer us for the season of remembering ahead. A shelf altar that I set up many years ago in my kitchen has become a special kind of shrine for me. On it rest photos of people special to me: my grandparents, my wife's parents, my beautiful niece Aoife, my relatives, children of some of my close friends, my best friends Donal, Mary and David and indeed many friends and parents of many of my friends. All have passed away. Many of them died far too soon. Their deaths leave an emptiness that fits this season of November of longer nights and colder days. And yet their images bear a fullness as well. The memories they trigger also contain a yearning expressed in the hope that their absence is not the final word. This kitchen altar shrine of mine is an act of hope, faith and prayer that my loved ones are not gone forever.

Pause, reflect and remember

This is the month we begin winter time and we remember all our loved ones who have gone before us. When we remember we bring to mind someone or something; we draw on our memories. But, of course, because we’re human beings, what we remember with our minds evokes feelings in our hearts and in our bodies. Memories may feel warm and comforting – they may fill us with joy, or they may be filled with sadness, sorrow and regret – they may make us feel low. I often wonder, in that great moment of the inception of the eucharist at the Last Supper, when Jesus took bread and wine, simple ingredients on the Passover table as instruments of remembrance, whether there was something of his own human hope that he would be remembered and his mission passed on, as well as a desire to gift his disciples some way of keeping his memory alive when he was gone. Most of us believe that in the mystery of the Consecration, Jesus is made truly present in the simple elements of bread and wine and so, each time we come to Mass we do not only remember him but find him tangibly present with us as strength and nourishment for all that we face in our daily lives. Death is that challenging confrontation that reminds us “We are only here for a short time”. I want to dedicate this thought for the week as it's a time we remember, to those who have gone before us and especially to everyone who has passed away in the last year. Each November affords us a time to pause, reflect and remember all those who have died and gone before us into the loving arms of God. As we continue to move through our country and global problems of which there are many, consider this time as an opportunity to slow down, face our own losses and grief and to seek the consolation of God’s love. In November, we remember those we call “the faithful departed” who have “gone before us marked with the sign of faith.” In many parishes and places, we bring pictures of deceased loved ones to church and pray in a special way for those who have died. These acts of remembrance are signs of faith and love. They are also acts of hope. Our prayers declare our hope that, in the words of the funeral liturgy, “Lord, for your faithful people life is changed, not ended.” As a people we nurture the hope and faith that life will continue again, but in a way we can’t imagine or conceive.

Shortened days

So as winter approaches the leaves turn brown and red and gold and fall to the ground. All of nature seems to be dying and entering into its annual winter slumber. At the same time people turn to those who have died and remember them in prayer. Our remembrance is filled with hope. Hope that just as in nature, after Winter there comes the Spring, so too after death there comes eternal everlasting life with God. Grief and loss deeply affect us all and they do so in different ways from person to person. For some of us, it leaves us in the grip of fear and hopelessness, like the apostles experienced in the days following the death of their beloved teacher and friend Jesus. They locked themselves away in this fear and hopelessness. And it was into this turmoil that Jesus appeared, coming through the locked door and bringing with him his peace (John 20:19-20). And so it is for us. Jesus understands our grief. He understands our fear. He understands our hopelessness. He understands each of us. Jesus assures us too that God’s love can go through locked doors and into broken places and free up what’s paralysed and help that which can no longer help itself. God is not blocked when we are. God can reach through. God’s love, made visible in Jesus present in our lives, can reach through the locked doors of our hearts and our broken places, into our grief, into our losses. Jesus, in breaking through the locked door to the upper room where the apostles were hiding, and in breaking through into our grief-torn hearts, brings us not only the promise of peace, but the promise that He has conquered death once and for all; death no longer has a hold on us.

Thoughts and prayers

In November we remember in our thoughts and prayers all those who have gone before us, and in a particular way, those who have gone home to God since this time last year. And while 2024 has seen many challenges and difficulties, it has been a particularly difficult time for families who have lost a loved one. I would like to offer in this thought for the week my prayers and support for all those who have been bereaved recently, and I pray fervently for the happy repose of their souls. But as we enter into this new month there’s no shortage of grief circulating in the world right now. It feels ever-present, from devastating death and destruction in Gaza, Israel, Palestine, Lebanon, Yemen, Syria, Ethiopia, Sudan and 35 other countries in our world, to the deadly hate violence happening all around our country and our world, to increasing fatalities from many different types of illnesses and people affected by drought and famine and at time’s a relentless forward march that continues to take our loved ones from us. So how do we learn to live with such immense grief, both on a personal and global level?

Love is stronger

“What God creates God loves, and what God loves God loves everlastingly.” I hope you will listen closely to those words as you read them, cling to them, and let them sink deeply into your life and into your heart. Let them echo through this day and carry you into the next. They are the thread that runs through everything I write to you in this thought of the week and indeed all of my writings. If there is anything that overcomes and sees us through death and grief it is love, a “love stronger than death.” November deals with death, with closing up and sealing in. Even the trees know this. Though they appear dead, they are preparing to rest up for all of next year’s growth to come. All creation seems to be dying. In the midst of all this, we fling a challenge into the face of Death. In this time of natural bleakness and gloom, we say to Death: “You have no permanent grip on us.” And, instead, we celebrate all of our relatives, friends, neighbours and colleagues who have died. For as our faith assures us they are filled with life everlasting, living with God forever.

Part of us

This month we pray for those who have gone before us, that their passage to God’s dwelling place may be swift and sure. When we lose a family member or a dear friend, someone we have loved deeply, we are left with a grief that can paralyse us emotionally for a long time. People we love become part of us. Our thinking, feeling and acting are codetermined by them: Our fathers, our mothers, our husbands, our wives, our siblings, our lovers, our children, our friends, our neighbours, our colleagues, they are all now living in our hearts. When they die a part of us has to die too. That is what grief is about: It is that slow but sometimes very quick and painful departure of someone who has become an intimate part of us. With every hello there has to be a goodbye. Just like with every journey, there is a journey's end. We all know that our end could come at any minute, any hour, for us or those we love. As we certainly know in our family, life can be so short for some of us! Despite death being a part of life, it still never fails to leave a hole in our heart whenever we lose someone we loved. It’s the hardest pain we as humans have to go through, to grieve those that have passed away. Death leaves a wound that’s difficult to heal. People are fond of saying ‘time heals all wounds’. But this is not true. I have found the only thing that heals all wounds is Jesus. Knowing that I will see those loved ones once more helps ease the pain of not having them here with me again.

Paved the way

Many of us during this month will visit our family graves and remember our loved ones gone before us who paved the way for our lives and livelihoods. Death is so difficult and indeed extremely painful. Death strips us of the familiar and leaves us often naked and vulnerable, with our bereavement and painful losses. The death of a loved one often leaves us asking many questions, struggling in finding answers as we wrestle in the coping and continuing of our day to day without that loved one. One of my favourite writers, C.S. Lewis describes his experience of loss simply as, “The tears and loss that I now feel is the love we once shared.” As we remember our loved ones who have died and pray for them, we do so with great hope in our hearts. This month of November always tends to evoke memories and reflections within us. The world of nature appears to be in decline all around us and, as it were, is about to fall into a deep sleep, a winter type of song as all of our autumn leaves have fallen and the trees stand bare or a type of hibernation as we arrive into the season of winter. The land now harvested rests and lies fallow, winter points us to mortality and death, one day with great certainty we too all of us will die. The symbol of this decline are the colourful leaves on paths, walkways and roads we have been walking and indeed in some cases driving over in recent weeks. It is a time for reflection as the darker evenings gather in and the clocks have now been turned back, and we have fewer daylight hours. No matter how we may wish to avoid talking about death, we don’t like being reminded of our mortality. A once famous comedian famously quipped, “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” It strikes a chord because that is how many of us deal with death. We joke about it while keeping our real thoughts and fears to ourselves. Some of our deceased relatives, neighbours, friends and colleagues were blessed enough that we got to say goodbye too, while others left us before any goodbyes could be exchanged. By remembering our deceased in prayer or by visiting their resting place is an attempt at saying we haven’t forgotten them and that they will always be a special part of our lives and always a part of us. November has always had a special significance in helping us do this at the start of the winter season. We remember our loved ones gone before us, those we once knew but are now dead, and we ask God to show mercy to them and we also pray to them to help us to live out our lives as lovingly as some of them did. These faithful departed handed on to us many of the things that make life worthwhile such as insights, beliefs, culture, traditions and values. They handed on to us whatever goodness and truth they had discovered in their life even if it was for just a short time that they journeyed with us. We remember them with gratitude and real love at this time. "Ní imithe uainn atá siad, ach imithe romhainn. They are not gone from us, but gone before us." We pray these words and many others often during the month of November. One of the greatest signs of love is remembrance. We set time aside to remember and pray for our brothers and sisters who have died. We pray that they have passed from death to life in the company of the Risen Christ, the firstborn from the dead, whose love has overcome all things.

Don't take life for granted

I am convinced that grief and loss affect everyone. None of us knows how to truly process those emotions. We at times really don't know how to grieve. We expect there to be a standard timetable for it. We don’t make space for it. We don’t feel safe talking about it. We want it to follow predictable steps and then for everything to get back to normal. The result is that we try to bury our grief, hide away our pain, and act as if it’s not there. And yet it comes up in all kinds of ways and in places we least expect. If you are truly awake in your own life, you are in touch with the loss you have experienced. And it’s no doubt painful. I have cried privately many times at situations and losses in my own life especially when I lost my beautiful niece earlier last year along with losing some other amazing family members and beautiful close friends. The best way to cope with it is to deal with it kindly, tenderly, compassionately, gently, lovingly and with the support of family, friends, colleagues and the communities we live in. We should try to keep in our minds and in our hearts the knowledge that everyone deals with these feelings on a daily basis. If we truly remembered that, we would be kind to everyone. We would be gentler and more respectful with our fellow human beings and with ourselves. We live in a fast-paced, tough, cold and often evil world. We don’t need to. By being more aware and awake, we can make a choice to be conscious, caring, tender, respectful and compassionate to ourselves and others every day of the year. Now there’s a thought worth remembering. A sudden loss, such as the death of a family member or a close friend or colleague, makes us realize the brevity of life. We often take life for granted. Their death can make us sit down and reflect. Losing my niece Aoife, my grandparents, my wife's parents, uncles, aunts, cousins and some very close amazing friends recently and over the years make me take time to appreciate the loved ones in my life because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. It made me put things in perspective. I want to live life and love it; I don’t want to spend my life being unhappy or dissatisfied. I want to put a smile on my face and indeed on others faces, because that’s what can make a dark day seem bright. My family members and friends are gone; I cannot bring them back, but, at least in memory of them, I can live a life that I know they would be proud of. Death opens our eyes, showing us that the only time that matters is right now. Death teaches us a simple lesson. That is, forget about yesterday, it’s over and tomorrow may never come. We haven’t seen today before, so live it as well as you possibly can. Stop putting things off. The only people who should be afraid of death are those who haven’t lived, those who say, “I’ll do it when I get around to it”, or “I will tell him or her I love him or her tomorrow.” If you don’t live today, your “tomorrows” will run out. Live life now, tell people now, when their eyes are open, “I love you.” Life is short. Tomorrow it might be too late.

Thought for the week

As your thought for the week, treat everyone around you in a gentler way as much as you can and be thankful for loved ones gone before us that are no longer with us in the same presence as they were, especially during this month of November which is dedicated as a time of remembering! When we feel lost and low and broken because we have lost someone dear to us, this presence of Jesus may offer some comfort and consolation. Light in our darkness perhaps. It is not a coincidence perhaps that as the days shorten, human beings have found symbols of light to remind us of the hope that lies beneath our cold and bleak winter world, Hope for brighter light and shoots of new life that will break through as spring comes again. It is a theme we find in the psalms: ‘My soul waits for the Lord like a watchman for daybreak’ and it is echoed in cultures and religions across the world. At this time, churches, hospitals and hospices invite us to light up life celebrations so that we can remember together those who have been important to us. By remembering, we keep their memories alive and, by bringing them to mind we too can somehow keep their presence in our lives. Often we light candles as a sign of remembering and, like the remembrance of God, we do something too. As we light the candle we say a prayer for that person that they may be enjoying the marvellous light of heaven. The candle light reminds us that we too have the opportunity to share the light of hope, that we carry, with others. When you are in a dark place, the warmth of a smile or a kind word can mean a lot. It may feel that our own light is very small and insignificant in times of much darkness but each time it is shared, it is not halved but doubled. Together we really can make a difference. As one of my favourite writers John O' Donohue wrote "live the life you would love to look back on from your deathbed". A prayer called 'If Tomorrow Starts Without Me' attributed to David Romano I love to pray that gives me solace when I think of my loved one's gone before me goes as follows, "When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see; If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me; I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today, while thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say. I know how much you love me, as much as I love you, and each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too; But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand, that an Angel came and called my name, and took me by the hand, and said my place was ready, in heaven far above, and that I'd have to leave behind, all those I dearly love. But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye, for all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die. I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do, it seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you. I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad, I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had. If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while, I'd say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile. But then I fully realized, that this could never be, for emptiness and memories, would take the place of me. And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow, I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow. But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home. When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne, He said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you". Today your life on earth is past, but here life starts anew. I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last, and since each day's the same day, there's no longing for the past. But you have been so faithful, so trusting and so true. Though there were times you did some things, you knew you shouldn't do. But you have been forgiven and now at last you're free. So won't you come and take my hand and share my life with me? So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart, for every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart. Amen" So please treat everyone around you in a gentler way as much as you can and be thankful for loved ones that are no longer with us in the same presence as they were, especially during this time of remembering. As we enter this sacred month, may perpetual light shine upon all who have died. May the souls of all of the departed, through the mercy of God, rest, and live eternally, in peace. “Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. May they rest in peace. Amen.”