OPINION (AN COLÚN): Responding to the negative & difficult people in our lives

WE all have negative people in our lives, who can drain us, tire us out, and make us feel depressed.
Some people bring out unpleasant feelings in us where we experience a sense of being demeaned, constricted or attacked; where we intuitively feel unsafe, tense or on guard; and where we sense prickly, off-putting vibes and can't wait to get away from the situation. Your positive energy begins to wane. You feel beleaguered.
When confronted by these good-mood destroyers I think of the witty quote by the old philosopher: “There are two types of people in the world. Avoid both of them.”
I'm not a fan of the phrase “toxic masculinity” (because it's often used as a brickbat to unfairly criticise men) but everyday I encounter examples of negative mentalities in men, such as excessive aggression, the desire to dominate, and an unhealthy suppression of noble and beautiful feelings. Aggressive, bullying behaviour can express itself when expectations aren't being met. Emotional suppression expresses itself in the mindset of a determination to tough things out and not express any feelings of vulnerability or weakness. Such emotional suppression can be a good thing when confronted by high stress moments in our lives, but it breaks down hopelessly as a strategy when a gentler, more empathetic approach is called for.
One writer I read recently listed, in a part-humorous, part-serious way, a number of types of negative women that she knew including “the sob sister, the blamer, the drama queen, the constant talker or joke teller, and the fixer-upper (who requires endless help).” Negative women can be regular expressors of the victim mentality (which is exhausting for others in their orbit). They are constantly regaling you with their suffering at the hands of others and how bleak everything is, which we can sympathise with (because we are not unfeeling, we are not unkind), but sometimes you want them to be more upbeat, sometimes it would be better if they embraced (at least some more of the time!) the wisdom of Jung's statement, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” Negative women can be overly critical of others. The criticism can be about others' dress sense, their apparent laziness, or their accent. The criticism cannot see beyond the difference of others. Such criticism, if persisted in without alleviation or expressions of more positive opinions, can create an ugly and uncomfortable atmosphere. Here, the focus is on tearing others down rather than building them up.
Other soul-draining women are those who are not interested in your story. They are only interested in their own story, their own feelings. In their presence, your real self feels invisible to them. In modern psychological parlance, they are narcissists.
Some women can seem very nice at first, but in fact their “niceness” is strategic, inauthentic, and as you get to know them a darker side emerges. Others gossip too much, stir up tension and make mountains out of molehills.
In both men and women we regularly see things like perfectionism, a fear of failure and self-criticism. Of course, in moderate doses such characteristics are fine but when they cross the Rubicon they create an over-wrought, even threatening atmosphere. Such an atmosphere can be the prelude to suicide. In this mood the person believes that mistakes are a sign of worthlessness or absolute failure. They think they are “not good enough”, and the opinions of the innumerable unwise confirm the sentiment. They compare themselves to others and find endless examples of people who are more clever, stronger, more successful. Of course, part of the blame for this self-criticism lies at society's doorstep because much of society's energy is devoted to competition and getting ahead of others; much of society's energy is also Capitalism operating without a moral compass.
One way of dealing with negative people is to smile, remain focussed on your inner peace, and remain completely detached. If there is a denigrating tirade remain detached from it and don't get involved with it. Leave the room if you can. Flight and avoidance are often the best approaches to difficult or bullying people. We need to learn to distance ourselves from the dark and difficult emotions which these people can stir up in us. It's easy for us to slip into auto-pilot and not realise until later how drained we feel. We need to detach ourselves from the event while it's happening and just observe it (with a compassionate gaze). Everything depends on the situation as to how we respond to it. Some people are simply being accusatory and aggressive. Or they lapse into a cold, passive-aggressive silence. However, if the person is not like this, but is simply depressed and locked in a quagmire of cheerlessness, we can take action and try in a gentle way to focus their minds on the positives in their lives. We all have positives in our lives, we all have reasons to be grateful, despite what the world may seem to imply. Through our gentle nudging they may realise there are countless small things to be happy about, all part of a greater miracle. Things such as feeling strong and healthy, good food lovingly prepared, a spouse who loves you, the affection of your pets, certain clothes which you enjoy wearing. Through our gentle nudging they may realise that the Light transcends the Darkness.

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