‘It’s not that we’re foster parents, we’re a foster family'

FOSTER CARE is in a state of crisis in many counties in Ireland, including North Tipperary and Offaly. Many more Foster Parents are badly needed. We recently spoke to one of the many wonderful parents in North Tipperary and Offaly, Helen Spillane. Helen told us about the positive impact foster care has had on her own life as well as on the lives of her husband and children.
“Somebody has to do it…” said Helen. They are just five words, but ones which carry a huge amount of weight when uttered by someone in her position.
Originally from Limerick, and living near Newport, for Helen (48), her husband Dan (54) and their three children, Charlotte (24), Rory (18) and Jean (15) fostering has brought them all closer together and taught them valuable lessons about life and the benefits of having a supportive, loving environment to call home.
“I always tell the children to be the one to make a difference, don’t be the one to stand back – reach out and make a difference. It only takes one person to make a difference to someone’s life.”
Helen and her family have been doing just that since 2019 when they first began fostering.
“It’s not that we’re foster parents, we’re a foster family – any issues that come up are discussed as a family. It has worked well for us,” she says.
Having provided short-term and emergency care to four children, they are now providing long-term care to “the small man” – their four-and-a-half-year-old who has Down Syndrome and who joined their family as a baby when he was just four months’ old.
The ‘small man’ is now considered one of the family and will be one officially at some stage once their plans to adopt him go through the legal process. His Down Syndrome has led to Helen taking several courses, one of which is Lámh sign language, which she hopes to become a tutor in soon.
Becoming a foster carer is a long process, as it should be when someone wants to take on the care of another person. Helen says the assessment that Tusla Child and Family Agency undertakes ensures that carers and their families have a very good understanding of what lies ahead.
“It can take a year before you’re approved, but you need that time to prepare and to know yourself well enough. It also allowed our children time to get used to it happening, so that they ended up organising what we needed and decorating the child’s room.”
Helen says Charlotte, Rory and Jean also put together ‘welcome’ baskets with items such as soaps and shampoos to give to the foster child who would be entering their home.
She is clearly proud of the role her own children have played and of the impact that fostering has had on them.
“It has opened their eyes to a different side of the world.”
There have been changes too in how she and husband Dan relate to each other.
“It has brought us even closer together – something which I didn’t think was possible.”
Fostering, of course, does have its challenges, but they are ones the family can meet thanks to the support they receive from Tusla.
“We have been very lucky. The social worker we had for our assessment was wonderful, and the small man’s social worker is lovely. Bernie, our link worker, is great too – you could pick up the phone anytime to talk to her and ask for advice.”
However, sometimes placements break down, for a variety of reasons – something which happened to Helen’s family after 11 months caring for one child.
“You have to know what works and what doesn’t work within the dynamics of your household. If we get a call about a placement, we’ll have a chat and see if it suits and if we are able. I find it hard to say no, but sometimes, if it’s emergency care, I might have to set a date for it to end.
“It’s not fair to take someone if you have a doubt it won’t work – because that will just lead to further displacing for that child again later,” she adds.
But whether it’s for short periods or long, the impact fostering brings to the children that Helen and her family support can be profound.
“I’ve only seen positives, even with the placement that broke down. That little one came to us at two-and-a-half, wasn’t toilet trained, was monosyllabic and never had his dummy out of his mouth. By the time he left us he was toilet-trained, could hold a full conversation and had stopped using the dummy.
“The same goes for children we took for emergency care; they might be afraid to sleep in the bed but would be fine by the time they left. You’re building security in them, making them feel safe, and that can be with small things – like a hug or regular warm meals.”
Forming attachments to their young charges is only natural, which means that when children do move on, the impact is felt. That said, daughter Charlotte is still in contact with some of the young people the family have had for respite care.
Says Helen: “One foster carer described it well. She said, ‘you’re heart breaks a little each time, but that’s okay because the child’s heart doesn’t break anymore’. If that happens, then it’s worthwhile.”
And her advice to anyone considering becoming a foster carer?
“If it’s ever crossed your mind to do it, then make the call – ask the questions and never stop asking questions. I’ve no regrets – the rewards you get for doing it are huge.”
To learn more about being a foster carer, visit fostering.ie.