Grief beyond words over Ashling Murphy murder but what will change in society

On Wednesday last, news broke that 23-year-old school teacher, Ashling Murphy, had been fatally murdered while out on a run along Fiona's Way on the canal in Tullamore. Since then, Tullamore, Offaly, Ireland and many parts of our world have been in shock and all our hearts and souls have been so low.

Like everybody else, I am devastated, heartbroken and deeply saddened by the horrific killing of such a beautiful young woman. Having experienced the tragic, horrific, senseless loss of my young niece Aoife in recent times I know this nightmare firsthand and not one you want visited on any person, especially parents.  I have been trying to find the right words to write about Ashling but the truth is, none are worthy of such an amazing, kind hearted, loving and giving person.

Her family and community are in mourning, and the town of Tullamore that I know and love so well has rarely seen a darker, more horrible day. Not only was Ashling's life taken so cruelly but the tragic loss will impact on the lives of her family for ever more. I want to offer my sincere condolences to her parents Ray and Kathleen, her family, friends, colleagues, sports and music counterparts, fellow recent graduates and the wider community to which she gave so much of herself. I also want to say how sad and upset I am for her little first class pupils and teaching colleagues in Scoil Naomh Colmcille National School in Durrow, who will have to come to terms with the senseless loss of their vibrant, caring, comforting and inspiring young teacher.

What happened to Ashling is beyond horrific, something no woman or girl in our country or anywhere in our world should ever have to face, and something no family should have to deal with. I know the people of Tullamore and Offaly and beyond will unite in total compassion and sympathy with Ashling’s family, and support them in any and every way they can. The candlelight vigils for Ashling in Tullamore and all around our country and in many parts of our world over the past week is already a testimony to that.

It is beyond heartbreaking that a young person such as Ashling, with her whole life ahead of her, is now deceased as a result of murder. An innocent young woman out for a run and just going about her daily life. The idea that a young woman could meet such a horrific fate, is simply dreadful.

However, in the aftermath of this shock, it is imperative that we all stand up for our rights and, in particular, the rights of women and girls in our society so that going for a run or a walk on an afternoon, or indeed at any time, can be done without fear or dread. Our community and our country must stand up for freedom of movement, sanctity of life and safety for all and especially for all women and girls. We must not retreat into teaching women and girls that they should moderate their behaviour for their own safety. We must not retreat into telling women and girls to download safety apps. We must not retreat into telling women and girls to change their routines and routes, to never walk alone, to keep their keys between their knuckles, to do this or that or any of the other stuff that they have been doing and have had to do to try and keep safe over the years.

Women or girls shouldn't have to walk in groups, or need someone to chaperone them, or look over their shoulder while alone, or have to take self-defence classes, or feel afraid while alone. Women and girls should feel safe no matter what they are doing and no matter what time of the day or night it is. To say that this is a problem for just the female population is to miss the point entirely.  It is equally our problem as men because men are the main group of wrongdoers and culprits when it comes to harm or death of women and girls in our country.

Actually when it comes to nearly all types of violence or the many crimes in Ireland, men are the main wrongdoers. Male violence against women is at pandemic proportions and we need to go beyond that acknowledgment and properly address it and put action in place to change it. We must all work together to ensure that safety, for all, is a given. How can we ensure that real change is now implemented to ensure the safety of women and children and indeed for everyone in our society. 

How can we ensure that any person who feels fear or knows the trauma of violence and hurt has easy access to relevant support.  Conversations have started with great momentum on how women and girls need to be treated so much better, with so much more respect and with loving care but how can we ensure that these conversations turn into meaningful and sustainable action and do not get lost in the passage of time. So many men and boys are also totally horrified and shocked by what has happened to Ashling. But we as men and boys need to stand up so much more and call out on the hurt, gaslighting, coercion and violence against women and girls in our homes, in our schools, in our workplaces, on our streets and in our country. We can't give up. Women won't give up and neither should men and boys in supporting real and achievable protection of women and girls.

The right to be safe and feel safe should always be a priority especially for women and children and indeed for everyone living in our communities and country. It has to be for the good and safety of all. Men and boys need to take the lead with other men and boys. We have to be the ones that help and support women and girls and educate men and boys to change things. We have to become allies for women and girls. We as men and boys have a massive part to play in making that happen. These are our wives, our sisters, our daughters, our mothers, our partners, our colleagues and our friends. We have to do this or the lack of safety and respect for women and girls will continue to spiral out of control with devastating outcomes, such as the loss of  Ashling's life.

But what will really change?

There will be plenty of narrative, words and prayers offered over the next few weeks, candles lit, speeches given, countless words written in columns such as this one. But what will really change? Will this be a seminal watershed moment in our country? What measures or new laws will be taken to ensure that no other family will experience the kind of hurt and unbearable loss the Murphy family are currently experiencing? Will extra funding be allocated to domestic violence charities? Will more shelters be built for abused women and their children?

The truth is, it’s easier to view what happened to women and girls who have been murdered like Ashling Murphy as isolated acts of inhumanity rather than the inevitable result of a society that accepts violence against women as something that is part of life. But what if, instead of spending so much time teaching and telling women and girls to be careful, we taught men and boys to be more gentle and respectful? We must all now wake up to the fact that violence of any kind against innocent women or girls or indeed against any men or boys whether in domestic settings, school settings, work settings or in public places is simply unacceptable and that those responsible should be removed from society and given lengthy and mandatory prison sentences. Surely the objective is that all females and males make it home safely.  

Somebody needs to take charge.  I would respectfully ask the Minister for Justice to lead our society in addressing the issues highlighted in the wake of Ashling Murphy's murder.  I would like the Minister for Justice to make this a priority in her Department and to engage all of society in the effort to make this country a safer place for everyone especially for women and anyone who is in a vulnerable position and to be visible in our media in outlining the necessary steps we, the citizens, the government, and judiciary will take going forward.

Men, we need to do better!!

Men and boys need to listen to women and girls. There needs to be an awareness of inappropriate behaviours.  Men and boys need to stop commenting on women's and girl's appearances. Men and boys need to stop making sexist jokes. Men and boys need to stop cat-calling and whistling. Men and boys need to stop attacking women and girls. Men and boys need to stop hurting women and girls. Men and boys need to stop killing women and girls.

Ashling Murphy was only going for a run. Women and girls should feel safe walking the streets day or night. They deserve to feel safe and everyone deserves to feel safe.  Male violence towards women and girls is the problem as is male violence towards men and boys. As men I feel we need to understand that our presence alone may sometimes be intimidating or scary towards women and girls. I and most men want women and girls to be able to enjoy the environment they are in without having the burden and stress of considering their own safety. We as men need to have the courage to critique negative behaviour in each other.

If we all speak to one other man about this we can change mindsets to make all environments more inclusive and safe for everyone. 244 women have died violently in Ireland since 1996.  The number of near murders in that time are not counted. We are looking at thousands, probably many more unreported. Women are not scared to walk home because of women, they are scared to walk home because of men. Women are not scared in the home because of women, they are scared in the home because of men. Our community is filled with so many women and girls who want to enjoy the indoors and outdoors everyday. It upsets me to think that they feel frightened and intimidated to do so. It’s not fair and it’s not right! It’s so important that as a society we go to the root of the problem here and we discuss misogyny, sexism and much more with all the people in our lives. We, as men, need to stop taking it personally, and just listen to the women and girls in our lives.

Men and boys, we need to do better! I pray that everyone, especially all men, will resolve to work hard in ensuring that our wives, our sisters, our daughters and our mothers can always feel safe, in every environment, at any time of the day or night. My prayers are for all women and girls who feel unsafe this day or at any time. Life is precious and so sacred. Hug your loved ones a little harder and tighter today and always. May God give strength to all who need it at this time or any time when any people, men and women are in need.

Thought for the week

As your thought for the week, always remember and know that women and girls have every right to be safe on our streets and in our homes, in daylight or darkness. Violence, or the fear of it, blights the lives of everyone. Violence took Ashling Murphy's life and brought unbearable heartbreak to her family. This must be a seminal watershed moment in our country.

But like a lot of things in life it takes the unimaginable to happen and, all too many times, the horrific death of someone like Ashling Murphy before we speak up and speak out about what is happening to women and children in our country on a daily basis.  My deepest condolences to all the Murphy family, friends, colleagues and to everyone who knew Ashling.  Please know this much, that we are all with you and your loved ones in prayer and hopefully in action to make real change for the safety of women and children in our country.  

The following is a heartfelt prayer poem I wrote for Ashling; "You went for a run, like you have always done. After school in the middle of the day. In a place that we all thought was safe and sound, for a peaceful experience, All along Fiona's Tullamore Canal Way. You went for a run like you have always done. To lots of us it was holy ground, Where many people would walk, cycle, run or play. Delving deep into their thoughts, worries, dreams and prayers. You went for a run, like you have always done. With your thoughts, hopes and dreams with much joy, love and music in your heart, mind and soul. After a day at your dream job in Durrow with the little angels of your first class. You went for a run, like you have always done. The big world was your oyster ahead of you, Full of youth, hope, life, beauty and love. Your life was like a rare diamond, Your light shining brightly for all to see, an example of goodness and kindness to so many. You went for a run like you have always done. May heaven be a place where you can now run free and be safe like you should have been allowed here on earth. It's long overdue for something to be done before other hearts break. You went for a run like you have always done. A musician, sportswoman and teacher extraordinaire. An even better daughter, sister, colleague and friend. Millions of tears have been shed for you, Thousands of candles have been lit for you, Hundreds of vigils have been organised for you, Many more prayers have been said for you. You went for a run like you have always done. Your life was an amazing blessing. Your memory is a true real treasure. You were so well thought of and loved beyond words. And you will be sorely missed beyond measure. You went for a run like you have always done. The thoughts of the unbearable heartbreak for your Mammy, Daddy and family at the famous Blueball, Beyond what words can describe. We all mourn beside you and hold you in prayer. May eternal peace be always yours Ashling. We make this prayer through Christ Our Lord. Amen. Rest In Peace Ashling Murphy and may your beautiful soul always live on. Ar dheis Dé go raibh a hanam."