Is it bad to spoil my grandchildren?

Showering your grandchildren with gifts and treats comes from a place of love and excitement, but what impact could this type of spoiling have in the long term?

We spoke to Counselling Directory member Annabelle Hird, a BACP-registered counsellor who specialises in supporting parents and carers, who explained why overindulging grandchildren can sometimes be problematic and has offered some practical advice on how families can navigate this sensitively.

Why do many grandparents want to spoil their grandchildren?

“A lot of people see becoming a grandparent as a chance to ‘do over’ parenthood, and maybe make up for some of the things that they wish they had done the first time around,” reflects Hird.

“Meanwhile, there’s also a real desire to have meaningful relationship with their grandchildren and I think many grandparents feel like they need to work really hard for that relationship with their grandchild. Due to change in dynamics, sometimes grandparents might feel like they are on the outside of something that belongs to their child.

“In addition, competition with other grandparents might also come into play.”

Do you think there’s a societal expectation/pressure to spoil your grandchildren?

“I do think there’s a trope that a grandparent is the one that grandchildren will go to to get all the food they aren’t allowed at home,” reflects Hird. “We often see that in the media or have had that passed down as a narrative through the years, and so that’s what we often expect from grandparents. However, that can be quite a damaging expectation.”

When can spoiling become problematic?

“Children are like sponges and learn about themselves and the world around them by how they’re treated by the trusted adults in their lives – such as parents, teachers and grandparents,” highlights Hird.

“So, in a way, when a grandparent expresses their love for a child, they’re teaching a child how to give and receive love and how to understand I am being loved.”

This can be quite problematic if they are equating gifts and treats for love.

“If a grandparent decides to show their love by buying gifts or by breaking the rules, for example, it’s teaching the child that when someone buys me gifts or someone allows me to break rules, they’re showing me love, and that’s something that will stay with them,” explains Hird. “Similarly, if you are teaching your grandchild that it’s okay to keep secrets such as treats and rule-bending from Mummy and Daddy, that can actually become quite dangerous.

“Ultimately, spoiling comes from a place of love and a desire to have a good relationship, but grandparents think carefully about what they’re teaching their grandchildren.”

Can spoiling grandchildren create friction with parents?

Spoiling grandchildren is often a source of tension and can create friction with parents.

“If a child is getting one message of how to behave from one trusted adult that is different from their parents’, it can be very confusing for them,” says Hird. “Conflicting messages can cause children to think, do I have to pick a side? Am I letting my grandparent down by siding with my parents, or vice vera – and we really don’t want to create that for children from a very young age.

“You have to think very carefully about what message that child is getting and also about whether you’re damaging your relationship with your own child by undermining them and their values and beliefs about what’s important for their child.”

How can families have productive conversations about boundaries around treats, gifts and discipline?

Remove judgement and set boundaries

“Remove as much judgement from these conversations as possible,” recommends Hird. “When discussing differences in approaches, parents need to set out reasons why they have made particular decisions for their child, remove any judgement about how they were raised, and emphasise how much you want the grandparent to get on board with this and be apart of the child’s life.”

Be curious and ask questions

“We often assume that in helping other people or being supportive, we need to guess what’s required of us or use our own judgement. However, often the best thing to do is ask questions,” advises Hird.

“If a grandparent has a particular treat that they’d really like to give the child, I would recommend being respectful and asking, I’d really like to do this, is there any problem with that for you?”

Slowly re-establish boundaries

“When they’re a bit younger, it’s important to make sure that the grandchild doesn’t feel like they’re being punished in some way, or they’re having something removed from them, if you want to do a U-turn on spoiling,” says Hird. “It can be a gradual process of slowly re-establishing boundaries.

“Most of relationships require patience, and if there’s something that we’re doing that we’d like to do differently be aware that it can’t necessarily be fixed overnight.”

Give them time and attention

“Time and attention are the best gifts you can give and I think creating a really safe environment with unconditional love is really important,” says Hird. “If grandparents can give their grandchildren attention, enthusiasm, interest and make them feel valued as a person, then they’re setting good expectations of relationships and will help nurture good wellbeing in the long run.”